So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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