I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
Randomize
