I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
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