You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Randomize
