Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
