If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Randomize
