It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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