Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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