I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
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