flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
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