so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
