I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize
