What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Blood and glitter go together right?
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize
