clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
This baby is an asshole
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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