I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
