I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
