Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
smell my finger.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
