Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
