i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
