I got her a Nickelback box set.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
