so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Randomize
