I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Randomize
