I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
last night I used snow as a chaser
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
