hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Randomize
