sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize
