I want to walk on stilts...naked
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
