sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
