Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
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