I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
