btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
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