Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
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