Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
You have to summon your inner elephant
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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