a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
What a fucking waste of an outfit
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
