i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Randomize
