gavin joseph was born around 1 oclock 9lbs 12oz... over 21 inches long
Thats what she said
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
