i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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