I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
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