I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Randomize
