So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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