I think im going to throw up on grandma
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Randomize
