I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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