Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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