True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
