Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
