Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
accomplished twins. life is a go
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
