He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Randomize
