Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
