I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
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