just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
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