I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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